Defying Stereotypes & Living Undefined—Dyesha Belhumeur
Listen above, on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Transcript:
ALEXA ASHLEY: This is Alexa Ashley with Eyes Wide. In this conversation, I get to sit down with Dyesha Belhumeur to talk about her experience growing up as a gay black woman in America, and how she's found confidence in her identity, despite societal barriers and is working to give others the same. Dyesha is a graduate from the University Of Washington's foster school of business, and is the founder of Undefined, a clothing line designed to encourage the black community, people of color, members of the LGBTQ community and women to live outside of the box society has placed them in and empower those who wear it to express the most important aspects of their identity, culture, and beliefs.
ALEXA ASHLEY: What was it like growing up as Dyesha Belhumeur?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: Well, I was born in Harlan, Oregon to a single parent. And shortly after that, we moved to Federal Way, Washington, where I lived for 13 years. I went to Federal Way High School which is one of the most diverse public school systems in the nation. So I was always a part of this melting pot culture and then I went on to college at the University Of Washington and went for a business degree with the foster school of business.
The feel of growing up for me, it was always very family-oriented. I grew up with actually a lot of my cousins, very close cousins that were more like my brothers growing up and then childhood friends that I grew up with became close to me, close enough for me to call them my cousins.
As much as I liked to play and enjoy the same things that other children did, I also had to grow up a lot faster. Being the child of a single parent and being an African-American woman, all of those just meant that I had to grow up a lot faster than a lot of my other counterparts.
Things like learning how to take care of yourself as soon as you get off from school, being able to walk yourself home from the bus stop knowing that you have to do your homework and be able to cook yourself a snack and do all those things before you're able to go outside, which could mean that you're doing all those things before your mom even gets home. Learning how to prep dinner at a young age that it's easier for your mom to be able to make dinner when she comes home. Just learning how to take a lot more of an active role in the household at a very young age. Growing up as Dyesha was, I think it was fun, but it was also knowing that you had to have a lot more of an adult-like life.
So when I was younger, being raised by my mom, she really didn't raise me trying to teach me the differences of black and white. I wasn't raised automatically from kindergarten up just knowing that I was different because of the color of my skin.
And so the realizing point that I noticed, like, okay, I'm different was that point when I actually looked up the definitions of white and black and in the dictionary. And part of that was because it was black history month at my school and like every other elementary school you learn about the Civil Rights Movement and Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa parks. Being an African American child, I think a lot of teachers don't really realize that maybe as a child, you don't really realize that you're African-American. And so there came a point where it was kind of like them asking, like, “what was your take? How do you think it would feel to be this color during that time?” And I felt like they kind of had a habit of asking people of color that question rather than just anybody and everybody, because at that age you really don't know. I kind of looked at it like, why are you asking me this question? You know, why am I supposed to know the answer to that question?
And so I went home, and I had this conversation with my mom about what is black, what is white? What do these things actually mean? And what does it mean for me to be black? And that's when I actually looked that up in the dictionary and I actually still own that dictionary to this day, the Webster's dictionary.
I can remember what my room looked like when I looked it up. I can remember exactly where I was sitting when I looked at that in the dictionary. And at that age as a child, I think that really, I just knew what I processed at that time...it was one, I was different and two, that my difference was looked down upon. It wasn't something that was good and so from that point, that's how I started to move through life was just understanding that I'm looked down upon generally, because I have this color skin because I am labeled as a black person—as being black. And so knowing that, it just changed the way that I navigated through the world.
I think it almost kind of like removed my innocence as a child because it's like, as a child, you have an innocent happiness about you and I think that it kind of just removed that innocence and it was like, at that point I had to be automatically conscious of everything I did.
Because I had to understand what story that told to other people out in the public eye. I think really from that point it's almost like in my mind, there was just a dichotomy, you know, like there were only two worlds. There was the white world, there was the black world.
And if you didn't fall into the white world, you automatically fell into the black world. If you didn't fall into the black world, you automatically fell into the white world. So there was no way to kind of straddle in between. So was that just kind of the lens that I looked at everything through.
So for me, everything was either a black or white issue at that point. So I looked at economics, like how much money do you have? At least what does it look like you have based on your appearance, you know? And so I started to kind of figure out, okay, generally, you know, those who are labeled as white and dress, maybe a little bit better, have less hand-me-downs, have cleaner clothes, but then those who are black, maybe not so much, you know?
And so I think I just started to move through life, really labeling things as, if it was white, it meant this. And if it was black, it meant this. And then as I got older, I started to see those things in education. You see white school districts versus African-American or people of color or minority school districts, and you see how things are treated differently.
You see the differences and the amount of money that's granted to each of those schools. You see differences in the conditions of their gyms, in the conditions of their schools, in the people that actually go to those schools. So I think from that point, it automatically changed the way that I was even able to view the world. So I automatically started looking at everything through the lens: what is black and what is white?
ALEXA ASHLEY: It seems like you move fast when you want to do something like start Undefined. Where does your drive come?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: I think for me, really it was my mom. I saw the way that my mom struggled being a single parent, getting no help from what should have been my father.
And you know that caused her to have to drop out of college cause she got pregnant with me while being in college. And I saw just the way that all of that really just affected her, going forward, affected her ability to raise me. It affected her ability to be as present as she would have liked to be in my life.
Because you have to sacrifice making money or being a whole part of your child's life when you're a single parent, putting food on the table or being present at a basketball game. So you've got those two weights. And so I think that really what it came down to was it's like, I'm not doing this really for myself, I'm doing it for my mom. I'm doing it so that when she hits 60 years old, she's not worried...when I was told growing up that I should be retired by 65 years old. And realistically, that's just not a retiring age now.
And so really my drive came from feeling like I needed to be that counterpart for my mom because she didn't have that. So I think for other people who are looking for a drive it's really just finding your why, like, why is it that you get up and do what you do every morning? Because I think if it's just to make money, that's not going to be a big enough reason why, and you're never going to really have the drive to really do what you want to do.
Your reason has to go a lot beyond that. For my reason, it's to make sure that my mom is taken care of and she doesn't have to want. It's to make sure that my grandma's able to go comfortably because at the age that she's at, it's only a matter of time before she reaches that point.
And there's so many things that she still hasn't seen as an 80-year-old African American woman who went through the Civil Rights Movement who actually fought in a court of law for her equal rights to be able to live in an apartment complex when a white man refused to rent to her and my grandfather, who was white...I have a purpose that's a lot bigger than me. I feel like I'm striving also, not just to put myself into a position of success, but also to help bring other people who are African-American, who are people of color, who are LGBTQ, who are from marginalized minority communities and help bring them over the fence so that they can do the same thing.
Because if we don't have enough of us who are willing to help each other get a leg up then we're going to continue to just struggle as whole groups. Throughout the rest of our lives. So I think it's really just about finding a why and finding a reason or a purpose that's bigger than yourself.
ALEXA ASHLEY: That's awesome. So it's like...on the practical side...a need for your family and your mom, and then the other side, it's like this whole people group that has been historically marginalized. And especially members of the LGBTQ community and people of color and that combination and lifting them up.
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I mean, when I think about just the things that those people of color African-Americans, Indians or native Americans, Mexicans, LGBTQ, like all the things that they've had to go through and struggle just to have basic human rights that are aligned with those who wrote the constitution is, I mean, that's really why I do it, you know?
And I see the ways that those affect families that are similar to mine from the person's complex to lack of education, to just really feeling like there's no way for you to win and trying to find a way to make it. I see all those trends on a daily basis. I see the way that those affect people in my family.
I see the ways those affect people in my community. And I feel like if there's not people like me who are willing to kind of be the staple of the community or lead the charge, then we're always going to continue to remain in that position. So, I mean, that's why I do it because I feel like there's other people who need to be able to look and see somebody that looks like them doing what they've always wished to do. And until they see that, they're not really gonna feel like that's something that's achievable.
ALEXA ASHLEY: You said before, and it's a feeling that I get as well, that you're confident in your identity as a gay woman of color. And for somebody else who is maybe younger or just hasn't gotten to that point yet, what would you tell them?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: I think, honestly, it really comes down to not listening to other people's opinions or yourself and allowing you to discover who you are. If I would've allowed myself to, because I mean, people have said lots of things about me. I mean, from when I was in middle school, before I even knew that I was a gay woman. I've had people tell me, I looked like a man or I talk like a man or I've had a nickname when I was in middle school, I had the nickname “Dykeysha,” because it's dyke, as meaning you’re gay. And at that age, I don't know that I'm gay...you know, and so if I would have allowed all of those things to shape me or to grasp a hold of my mental, then I think that I would be a completely different person.
I would probably be very shelled off. I would not be very comfortable in my own skin because society doesn't allow you to be comfortable. Society tells you that something's wrong with you. Society tells you that you shouldn't be this way and not that way and so I think primarily for me, one of the things that really helped was just the support of the people that were around me.
The people that I considered to be my family, that I really considered to be my close friends, having those people support me, made it so I didn't really care what the stranger walking down the street said as they walked past me or what the other person on the other team said as they were playing a basketball game against me, as long as I was accepted and welcomed by those that were closest to me. It made me a lot more comfortable and I think that also I took that in stride.
It wasn't me having to be comfortable with being a black gay woman all at once. It was first, I had to be comfortable with being black. Then I had to be comfortable with being a woman and then I had to be comfortable with being gay. And so you go through these different stages of comfortability and I think it's hard to be able to, like, if you're somebody who's just grappling with all three, it's hard.
There's so many intersectionalities that are really there, and there's no book of how to deal with that, you know? And so I think it just comes down to really segmenting it into pieces that you're able to deal with. At one time, you know, for me, it was first dealing with my racial identity because I felt like that was really most pertinent to who I am.
Then it was dealing with my identity as a woman, because that's what I first understood. And then it was dealing with my identity as being gay, as I became older and fully understood that that's what I was. But until I came to the realization that that's who I am, I wasn't able to start being comfortable.
And I think that until you really know who you are, you're not really able to be a hundred percent comfortable in your own skin.
ALEXA ASHLEY: So to somebody that doesn't have that support group or people that accept them for the way they are, would you say find that community?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: Find that community or figure out why it is that they don't accept you because I can tell you I wasn't right away accepted...my mother and I, we had a falling out to where it almost rocked our relationship. Our relationship was almost tarnished because of the fact that I was gay and she didn't understand. The problem was, you know, it was coming off as she was mad at the fact that I was gay and she didn't want to have a gay daughter, but really what it was at the root, she just didn't understand what it was to be gay.
She didn’t understand that being gay doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be a boy or that you need to change your sexuality, which there are some people who do feel like that, which is a whole other group. But you know, it just means that I like women. I see myself with a woman and that is what I am attracted to.
And it really just took me and her having to have conversations, her having to have conversations with people who are her friends who are in her same age group. Having to tell her their understandings and how they grappled with it and what they learned. And so it really just comes to an educational process.
I think it's very easy for people to get frustrated and shut down, especially when it comes to things that they don't know or things that they're unfamiliar with. And I think that at that point, it's just about how do I create a conversation? Because if it's a family member for instance...that's somebody who you would probably care for...somebody who cares for you just as much.
And I think that at that point, it's not allowing the frustration of “you're not understanding who I am” or “you won't accept me for who I am.” I think it's more understanding, well, why are they having trouble accepting and start from there and kind of build your way up because you want to be accepted.
And I think it's just figuring out how do we go about doing that to where I'm not putting myself at odds. But at the same time, I'm helping to educate you and help you understand so that we can be on this level of acceptance.
ALEXA ASHLEY: You inspire me, who or what is inspiring you lately?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: I think really my entire life, my main inspiration has always been my mom. Really, that's why I do everything. You know, I could have cared less to go to college. I could have cared less to get an education. I could've cared less to get a degree. I could care less to work in the finance world, you know? But I do it for her. I do it because I feel like I've been given a chance or an opportunity that she never had. And so being able to capitalize on that opportunity for the both of us I feel like is something that we need.
And also my grandfather, he passed away when I was in high school. And I just really saw how caring he was for everybody that was around him. He doesn't have to know you, I think that he was more of like a feeler, he could feel people who were going through difficult times. He could feel people who maybe had issues, he could feel people who just maybe needed to just be loved out a little bit. And so I think that I looked to my mom as inspiration for my drive, and I looked at my grandfather as inspiration for character. And those two together kind of make me who I am I feel like.
ALEXA ASHLEY: Could you talk more about the logo that you have on your clothes and what it symbolizes?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: So the unity fist was first seen as like the primary symbol for black power. It became a primary symbol for the black power movement and it's still kind of seen as that to this day, but also today it's kind of taken a turn in that it's seen a lot more as a symbol of unity, so unification, solidarity.
And so I kind of did a play on both, in using the fist. The shackle—it's a broken shackle actually and it goes a little bit with the fist. The idea behind it is through the solidarity of marginalized groups— marginalized people, people of color—that that's really the only way that we're going to break the shackles, that we're going to be able to dismantle structures and basically systems of racism that continue to hold us back.
You know, we're not going to be able to do it one off. We're not really going to be able to do it, I don't see, as individual groups—it's going to take the solidarity of every marginalized group. Mexicans coming together. African-Americans and Africans coming together. Native Americans coming together. Filipinos, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans. I mean, literally every minority group that you can think of. LGBTQ, trans, like every group that you can think of, it's going to take the solidarity and the unification of all of those marginalized groups speaking up and demanding for equal rights for equal treatment and for humane treatment.
I think that we've reached a point where a lot of ill treatment of people in these groups has been normalized. I mean, how many times do you scroll up and down social media and you see transgender or gay men or women who have been attacked solely because of their sexuality or how many times do you see African-Americans or Africans who have been killed by police officers? In the line of duty. These are things that we've seen so often now that they're just normalized, you know. We can see it on the TV and we can flip the channel, we can see it on social media and we can scroll right past it because it's something that we're so used to seeing now.
The only way that we're going to break that and really call attention to what is really happening is through the solidarity of all of these groups. And I think that that's where the crown comes in—really we're only going to get to see our true potential in being an active group. In being an active group. In being a group that exercises activism—that's really the only way that we're going to see change, I think, in this system. And until we start to do that, we're going to continue to see black bodies on the five o'clock news. And until we decide to take a stand, it's going to continue to be normal in culture.
So really the reason—the motivation and the meaning—behind that logo is through solidarity and unification of marginalized groups, that's the only way that we're going to see our true potential in this country. African Americans and Africans, we are said to come from a land of kings and queens. That was also a play that was added on to the logo.
ALEXA ASHLEY: I see your line and the graphics as reminders of your power. Do you feel that?
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: I think so, these are very bold pieces. You have to be a bold person to walk around with a power fist or something that's traditionally and generally understood as a black power fist on your chest. It's a very strong symbol and it commands attention and you not only have to be a strong individual, but you've also got to be very thick-skinned. I can't tell you how many crazy looks I've gotten when I've worn my KXP bomber or when I've worn my shirt that says legalize blackness, and I've had people be like, “what do you mean legalize blackness? Like what does that even mean?”
You really have to be cut out for this clothing. It is a reminder of your strength and of your power. It's a reminder that you choose what you are defined by. You don't have to be defined by stereotypes. You don't have to be defined by what society says is black, or what society says is white, or what society says is gay. You get to define that. And that's really what Undefined is about—it’s really turning stereotypes on their heels and allowing the individual to define what they feel are the most important or pertinent aspects of their identity and their culture and what makes them, them.
ALEXA ASHLEY: It's almost like it's a reminder and a call to action. Even if you don't feel ready, if you wear it, you have to be ready.
DYESHA BELHUMEUR: Yeah, for sure. And I think it's almost a call to action to wake up, you know, right now I feel like a lot of us are asleep. By walking through and just enduring the system, we're perpetrating it—we're allowing it to continue—and until we wake up and we're like, okay, this is done. I'm going to do something about it today...I think that that's where we're at now. And that's the step that has to be taken.
Image by Mia K Visuals
Videography by Alexa Ashley
Audio Editing and Mastering by Tukyo
Video Editing by Tukyo